She tiptoes across the floor now
and she's afraid of losing her step
She looks at the tainted ceiling
and her throat is still infected with strep
She steals a borrowed pack of addiction
and trembles with every tear
The sleepless nightmare isn't in walking distance,
But running there, wouldn't cause fear.
So I listen to her words of delusion,
and censor what I must.
That'll be in my brain forever
for she's blown off her mind's old dust.
"The train," she says, "is never as quiet
as the neighbors so do wish."
I said to her with strong reminiscence,
"That sound you should always cherish."
Together we sat on the sheet covered couch
losing our senses of taste.
We could go on for ages of what we conversed on
but never speak of the lives we so "blissfully" waste.
Her feet are going numb now
And she wishes for some sleep.
As she inhales and exhales,
She knows the secrets she won't keep.
-Bailey Olivia Rhodes.
5 comments:
Your writing is very powerful.
If I may offer a critical comment, IMHO, this line derails your poem in several ways.
and her throat is still infected with strep
1) In context, the rhyme with "step" seems accidental, and it distracts from the seriousness of the subject.
2) The meter is almost limerick-like, and in connection with the previous two lines, feels like the close of a limerick. This compounds point 1.
3) the line feels force-fit to end in "strep."
Take a look at this line:
Together we sat on the sheet covered couch
The alliteration is effective, but the string of dactyls, continuing into the next line, gives it a bouncy lightness that is dissonant with the subject matter.
You might want to take another look at the scansion throughout.
"So I listen to her words of delusion,
and censor what I must."
This feels strong because the iambs in the second line formalize the structure, and give it a rhythmic anchor. There might be other opportunities to get that kind of an effect.
On a second reading, I found other rhyming pairs that didn't jump out at me like step/strep did. The "dust" line seems especially forced to get to the rhyme.
I'd say, either have a consistent rhyme scheme, or do away with the rhymes more or less completely. The sleep/keep rhyme at the end might be worth keeping, even if you decide to scrap the others, because it seals the closing.
Hope this isn't too presumptuous and forward. Of course, your writing is your own and you can feel totally free to ignore my suggestions.
But please keep writing.
Cheers!
JzB
OH.HOT.DAMN. bailey, you are amazing. dont ever let anyone tell you youre not.
this is wonderful.
Thank you all. <3
you're welcome.[: do the world a favor, and keep writing. oh, and im not going to say this to your face, and i suppose that makes me a coward. but, i can't waste my time worrying about that. anyway, laely, you've been ignoring me...and alot of other people. i have NO buisness telling you how to run your life, but bailey, i miss you.
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