Dear No One,
Is there a possibility that nothing is real? That nothing we do in this world gets us to any elevation in anything? what's really there when you look at the street and no cars are passing by? That when we look at each other what we see isn't what someone else sees?
And for a split second, when we glance at the people that cross our paths, we see a glance into what may or may not be there? What if we're all pushing to "make it" in this world, and what if we do, is that the end? It's two am, thursday. I should be asleep but my mind is scattered by everything. Maybe when we grow old we finally see things that were there before, but we never really saw. Maybe when we grow old we finally start to listen to ourselves and stop seeking what we tell ourselves we fear. Maybe everything we do is just an excuse to really face ourselves in the end. Is that what we live for? A legacy, a tragedy, or just a forgotten soul. When we're young everything is hazed and blurry, and it never is really clear until we're facing death. Or maybe the fog never clears.
Sometimes there's pleasure in not making sense because it only sounds right in your head. I'd rather make sense to myself than not make sense at all. I need sleep.
My sister is like a bear in hibernation right now.
Maybe I'm just young and stupid and I don't know what I'm saying. Maybe you're the stupid one for listening.
In life there's always a breaking point when you get tired of the fog. But then you'll tell yourself this is right and this is how it should be.
I don't want sunshine. I don't want to be comfortable with myself, because being content is the thing that scares me most.
Decisions are so fragile lately. Like running, running on glass. And the glass feels good in the step but when I lift my leg to take another the pain comes and goes with every step. So running is what's keeping me together and torn up at the same time. I just wonder where the glass will end.
I wonder if there's something keeping me alive. Not my organs, or my mind state, but an angel watching over me or my feet carrying me where ever they think is right. Maybe my hands speak for themselves on a keyboard. Maybe my mouth does the same in conversation. Maybe my thoughts are really all I have.
Sometimes I'd give anything to be alone from the world and everything in it. "Alone" is a word that doesn't exist, though. There are always thoughts and distractions and people that I couldn't escape. And then after I wish I was alone with myself, I get a trembling fear that that would actually happen one day.
My head hurts. As does my stomach. My hair is going to be gross tomorrow because I used a bit too much conditioner in the shower today. I want to go back to daybreak. I miss the therapy I got from it. I need that now more than ever than to be stranded in this house or that house full of confusion, screaming, crying, brokenness, and bad food.
"There is a fine line between genius and insane." I think on the contrary, they are the same thing. It takes insanity to be a genius, and it takes a genius to drive yourself insane. And disagree if you please, but that's my story and I'm stickin' to it. My fingers hurt. Do I complain too much? YES. And since no one reads my blog, I'm just fine and dandy with that. This blog is basically me talking to myself and putting it on the internet.
I really think my mother should write a book. She'd sure have an assload to say..
Got some red lipstick stuff today.
and now I cannot sleep, officially. I'm wide awake.
CRAP.
With No Love,
Bailey Rhodes.
8 comments:
And since no one reads my blog
That's not quite accurate.
Thought the comment conter seems to not be working.
Cheers!
JzB
Errata:
s/b: . . . though the comment counter . . .
Well, darlin, thank you!
Cheers to you as well.
I agree. About everything. Thank you, for clearing some things up for me. I see life in a completely different way, now.
You can't be serious..? If you are, let me know..
I am completely serious. Your writing, the way you think, it's just amazing. Thank you, again.<3
Oh, and by the way, I'm not like obsessed with you or anything, but you don't know me. haha, I didn't wanna scare you. i just thought I'd let you know.
I'm not creeped out at all. But I would like to thank you personally, you make me want to keep writing. I think about giving up on it all the time. So, add me on Facebook.
http://www.facebook.com/baileyolivialove
<3
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